Podzilla 1985

Wednesday, October 07, 2015

Pessimistically Off-putting and Oppressively Ruminative (Part 2)

It should go without saying that I am no fan of myself. I don't think it's the case with every single person that experiences depression, but it makes sense that someone that can't control their own feelings of hopelessness won't see themselves in a positive light. I have particularly negative feelings toward myself, as well as the assumption that everyone else shares those feelings. 

If I don't even like myself, why should anyone else? 

I won't argue whether or not that reasoning has valid points, it's just something long periods of absolutely bottomed out self esteem has produced, and it's very hard to reason against. In fact, logic is completely disarmed in these fights because they're my own thoughts and they make perfect sense in my head. I like to rely on logic quite a bit, so it took a long time to even start to think that maybe this doesn't make as much sense as I think it does. When you couple that reliance on logic with paranoia, new and awful ideas take root. Coincidence has no place in a paranoid world, and when that person you don't even know just happens to look your way and laugh, there's obviously no other reason for that laughter than you being the most pathetic being they've ever witnessed.

Paranoia and self hatred have nurtured anxiety within me, and it surges when I am in view of anyone. There are people I am comfortable around, but it usually takes a long time to get there. I am not going to do well on a first meeting situation, and I can't find a way around it. I can try to pick which way I fail that interaction, but it usually ends up being withdrawn into a shell, saying nothing and usually not even looking at them. I found a lot of positivity for awhile, and it helped me do much better at the whole social interacting (much better by comparison). Lately, though, it's reverted back to what it was. I have trouble talking to people again, and I let it force me out of a lot of situations.

Something specific that I wanted to mention is a situation that really does seem so insignificant, no one ever understands why I shy away from it. So, I'll take a minute and explain (to no one, probably) why I hate when someone takes my picture. 

I know, and have acknowledged that it's not a serious matter, and it's such a personal thing I usually just leave it at that. I've already mentioned that I just can't stand myself. I do not like to even see myself, there's rarely a time I have a positive reaction to seeing myself. Having depression isn't just a series of highs and lows, it's everything in-between, and after every crash it takes time and effort to build myself back up. With any luck, I can get high enough to just coast along for awhile. Knowing a picture of myself exists is distressing enough, very much so, but the real damage comes when I see it myself. I'm certainly not Dorian Gray, but if I see myself every bit of happiness and self esteem I had built up just fucking vanishes. Simply seeing myself can cause me to prematurely crash, and I can do nothing afterward but let the mood pass by, however long that takes. Now couple that with the paranoia, and knowing that my picture even exists, let alone might be posted somewhere, assaults the self esteem that is already torn apart. "It's just a picture" really isn't that comforting to hear. The sad part of this is that it's usually not strangers that just want to take my picture all of a sudden. It's friends and family that want pictures of me. I can understand that, people like taking pictures of everything for some reason. I politely decline having my picture taken, because I would rather just avoid all that. They playfully argue about it while I desperately try to convince them to just leave me alone, without becoming rude about it. Usually I'm made to feel guilty about it, that they just want a picture of me and it's not a big deal. Well, it's not, but it really is. I'm made out to be difficult, or rude (which I was trying hard not to be), or "No fucking fun." That's probably my favorite one. And it's true, I shy away from a lot of fun situations because my anxiety will make them less fun, or no fun at all. All I'll end up doing is regret ever participating. How do you convince people to just leave you alone? I usually can't, aside from people that have known me for awhile, and even then it's not a guarantee they won't just snap one and laugh about it, because it's not a big deal. I couldn't give a shit about offending my own family anymore, but how do I avoid my girlfriend's family, because they love taking pictures. I try to avoid the situation altogether if I can, but if cornered or directly asked, I just give in. 

Do I act in a way that will just seem rude to them, or just take that hit and deal with it later? It's usually the latter.

So, "Why don't you like your picture taken?" or "It's just a picture, what's the big deal?" The reason is that I don't do very well emotionally. I have a tenuous grasp on anything positive, or just anything that could make me feel better as a person, and that simple act crushes me every time. I have skipped out on things based solely on that reason, missed family events and such, that's how much it means to me. 

But I've never been able to express that to anyone, so it's just an odd thing that gets forgotten.
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