Podzilla 1985

Wednesday, August 13, 2014

P.T. Should Stand for Permanently Traumatized

Let's just skip past the usual witty banter, so I can present you with a question about the new P.T. game on the PS4 store.

HAVE YOU PLAYED THIS FUCKING THING?! UUUGGGGGGGH!

This is not going to be one of those well written articles you all know and expect from such a highly regarded journalist such as myself. No, I want to break character for a bit and just have some real talk with you guys about my experiences with this game.

As some of you know, I belong to a certain secret society. I don't believe I gotta mention it's name...but if you must know, it's Gaming Grounds in Southeast Missouri. During my time there this morning, a certain man, who we'll call John M., came in and told me about a new game called P.T. that had just been released on the PSN store. 

Thanks to the lightning fast internet of CHARTER BUSINESS YEAAAAAAAH, we had the game downloaded in minutes. John had played the teaser the night before, which was a Godsend because this game is as confusing as any David Lynch movie. Even the one where the guy from Beretta calls himself at Bill Pullman's house. Patricia Arquette was there, too!

I'm losing track here thinking about Patricia. I do that a LOT. Anyway, John guided us through what I can only describe as the most terrifying game I've ever played in my life.

There were creepy radio messages, aborted fetuses, ghost staring through windows, a ghastly woman chasing me through corridors, eye paintings looking around wildly, screams, crying, and more terrors than any Micheal Bay movie could ever scare up.

Heh heh heh.

There were eight brave souls there that day. I remember them well.

Shannon. Jordan. Asa. Steven. Steven 2. Zach. Nate. Donnie.

We all screamed like bitches. I was punched hard in the shoulder during gameplay, and I wasn't the only man to be socked out of fear. Poor Nate screamed so loud we had to pause the game and remind him of reality, as he was beginning to slip into madness.

It's not very easy to scare me. I've seen more horror movies than anyone I know, and I have nerves of steel. I've played nearly every scary game out there, and I laugh at their attempts to frighten me. Slenderman is a joke, and PewDiePie can suck it. I don't know what he has to do with anything, but I really hate that little motherfucker.

I did sweat a little from fear when I played the Fatal Frame series, but even that was just anime enough to keep me calm. Damn good games, though.

I cannot say the same for P.T.. The graphics are photo realistic, the sounds are terrifying, and it is so random with its scares that you never have a chance to climb off of the edge of your seat. It is truly the greatest marriage of atmospheric horror and jump scares that I have ever seen, whether it be game, movie, or other.

You've probably read this on other sites, but it is absolutely true. P.T. is THAT scary.

SPOILER ALERT! Don't read past this point if you don't want the ending spoiled!

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So, for those of you who beat it, or are like me and read it online, you know that P.T. is in reality the teaser for the new Silent Hill game starring Norman Reedus.

Did I mention it is a collaboration between Hideo Kojima and Guillermo Del Toro? No wonder it's so fucking scary. 

And, make no mistake about it, this game is horrifying. I've never been more frightened playing a simple video game. The most horrifying part is the thought that this is just a teaser! A TEASER! This is barely scratching the actual game, and this little taste is enough to make a room full of grown men scream like terrified little children. I cannot wait to play this scary bastard as soon as it comes out.

Del Toro and Kojima, I tip my hat to you both. Thank you for reminding me of why the horror genre is my absolute favorite.

And thank you for helping me stay awake even longer at night. Those four hours of sleep I was getting before were just getting in the way of my desperate crying!
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