Podzilla 1985

Monday, July 21, 2014

WWE Battleground - Sponsored by Filler Bunny!

Just got back from the monthly PPV party and am fully prepared to write down my most intimate thoughts. Yes, this time the WWE has pissed me off for the last time with their by the book writing and baffling decisions. THIS TIME, I'm going to come down on them like the hammer of Thor!

The thunder of my vengeance will echo through Titan Towers like the gust of a thousand winds!

I...I just can't do it. What would be the point? No one over there listens. No one cares. If losing millions of dollars, sponsorship deals, and the respect of fans won't change Vince McMahon's mind, neither will I. I just don't have the strength to get so pissed at WWE that blood squirts out of my eyes and my heart explodes in a procession of gore and Woo Woo Woo's.

You want your fucking WWE PPV report? Cena won. That's all you need to know, internet wrestling fan. Go home, hug your children, or more likely your Nascar pillows and Toby Keith CD's, and just forget that this pay per view ever happened.

Can it even be called a pay per view anymore? Most people watching it are using the WWE Network, as the prospect of paying sixty dollars for one PPV when you could be watching the network for ten dollars a month is just insane. But, I guess someone out there is still shelling out for the monthly events, because they spend a good chunk of time during the show promoting the network. It seems completely pointless to those of us who are already paying for the network, but if it gets John Sixpack out of his comfort zone and into the new era of television I can deal with it.

So, aside from the network pimping, what did we really get for our hard earned money at this filler PPV?

Not a lot, friends. And that's why World Wrestling Entertainment is in such dire straits.

I know that Battleground isn't one of the big four PPV's, but they could have just shown highlights of better events and I would have been more satisfied than I was tonight. I don't care if it's good or bad, just as long as there is actual advancement when it comes to these shows. If the business is down like the "dirt sheets" say it is, why wouldn't they use every opportunity to really wow the audience and show them that their devotion will be rewarded?

I don't feel rewarded. I feel cheated. I feel cheated at the end of every pay per view event, and if it weren't for the fact that I had good friends and good snacks to enjoy with it, I would quite literally stop paying the monthly charge. I get more out of the atmosphere than I do the actual event.

Where do they go wrong? There feels like no advancement. Did you want to see the Uso's take on the Wyatt's again? Well if you did, I hope you like the status quo, because they kept the titles again. I don't mind seeing the same match a hundred times if there is some kind of purpose to it, but this whole back and forth of trading victories in non title matches just to have the same outcome on pay per view feels so goddamn monotonous. I'd say now is the time to pull the trigger and have the Wyatt's finally win the titles, but I think I said that already like three months ago.

Speaking of pulling the trigger on someone, please kill Bo Dallas.

I mean, kill his character. What is his character? He's a heel, right? But the only heel tendencies he has is to smile a lot and tell people to believe in themselves. He's supposed to be so obnoxious that it makes him a bad guy, but it just makes him an annoying little snot. I hear tales of his brilliance in NXT, and I admit to being impressed with him down in Florida, but something got lost in translation when he stepped up to the main roster.

The same could be said about Paige. Loved her in NXT, but I cringe when I see her in the ring now. She's uninteresting and, without a chance to show off her technical prowess, is just another pretty face in a dying division. The only upside for her in her loss to AJ is that she looked like Lex Luger standing next to Rey Mysterio. I don't know why they choose to push a prepubescent boy to the moon over more talented women in the federation. Naomi loses a pre-show throwaway match, and AJ is the golden one?

AJ Lee hasn't been interesting since they made her GM. I'll yell that from the rooftops until I die, because I used to love me some AJ. Now, the only crowd reaction she can find is the random CM Punk chants by the idiot fans who are either too stubborn to let go or too stupid to get a clue. It's not entirely AJ's fault. She can't do much about her size, but even a smaller person, when used properly, can be a real standout.

Shawn Micheals and Daniel Bryan immediately spring to mind.

Speaking of improper use of a once promising character, let's talk about Bray Wyatt.

Bray Wyatt.

A few months ago that name was synonymous with success. The look, the promos, the in ring skill, and the music all added up to one can't miss prospect. And then, like they've done with so many people before him, they missed it.

He beat Daniel Bryan at the Royal Rumble, and everyone expected it to be the start of a run at the top. Sure enough, he soon feuded with John Cena in what was sure to be the passing of the torch. Only, the torch didn't get passed. The WWE Machine took that torch and lit Wyatt's beard on fire, then snuffed out whatever heat he had left by jobbing him out to Cena in the most pathetic of ways. His only victory in the feud came when a demon child scared John so much, after nonstop interference from Harper and Rowan, that Bray managed to sneak a victory on the doctor of thuganomics.

Suddenly, Chris Jericho makes a sudden comeback, and my associate Asa is jumping for joy because there is finally a big name to put Bray over. Someone less selfish and protected than Cena was finally going to make him a star!

Except, Jericho beat Bray Wyatt. Part time wrestling and full time rock and roll singer Chris Jericho beat up and coming superstar Bray Wyatt.

Fuck this company.

I'm not the biggest Bray Wyatt fan in the world, but even I think he deserves better than this. If not for him, at least do it for the future of your company, Vince. When Chris Jericho, Dave Batista, Dwayne Johnson, and Brock Lesnar get tired of wrestling, who will you have as legitimate stars when you're constantly having them lose to part timers? I think someone in Stamford needs to read the Death of WCW.

As for the rest of the show, it was just there. It was filler. An hour after the event, and after a few matches in the Destiny beta, I'm struggling to even remember what happened.

Oh, I remember.


  • Zack Ryder was the second victim in the battle royal after a gentle push from the Great Khali, who looked like he could barely walk. 
  • The number of finishers that were kicked out came up to infinity...and beyond
  • The WWE Machine made light of the horrible situation between Russia and the Ukraine by turning it into an angle and using a monster like Putin as a character in a sad attempt at controversy
  • Layla El looked as attractive as ever next to that weird little blonde thing
  • Adam Rose still isn't over
  • The Fandango joke is over
  • Renee Young makes me miss Josh Matthews
  • WWE makes me miss WCW
  • The big Miz am winning again, capturing the IC championship after Barrett was forced to give it up and will soon be paired with Ric Flair for no raisin
Oh, and John Cena won. There was no drama. There was no Brock Lesnar. John Cena won, celebrated, and Vince McMahon goes home at night with the biggest smile on his face as he is assured he has put on the best show possible. 

As a longtime wrestling fan, I almost feel obligated to continue watching what WWE puts out. Every time I watch one of their shows I'm filled with the hope that something new and exciting will happen, and at the end of the night I am always at least a little disappointed. I stood by wrestling when it was cool, uncool, lame, embarrassing, and downright boring. Never have I been as fed up with it as I have been lately, and if I feel this way then I know there are a million just like me. It wouldn't take much to change this. I've seen flashes of brilliance in World Wrestling Entertainment. 

All I saw tonight a company begging me to stay with them, but offering no good reason to do so.

And I just don't know if I have it in me anymore. 




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