Podzilla 1985

Wednesday, July 02, 2014

Diva Released, Diva Hired, and One Last Ryde...r?

You know who's having an interesting week so far?

If you said me, bless your heart. While I always live the most glamorous lifestyle of the biggest rock star in Southeast Missouri, even I can't begin to understand the absolute chaos that is Emma's life.

You remember me telling you about how WWE diva Emma was arrested on Monday for shoplifting a twenty dollar iPad case at a Wal Mart? Well, I'm not saying that Vince McMahon reads my site, and I'm not saying he doesn't, but something got his attention because poor little Aussie Emma was fired on Wednesday. She got future endeavored around noon, and I was honestly surprised by this turn of events. I assumed she would only get a slap on the wrist for what she did, and I base that on a few good reasons.

  1. She's pretty. Pretty girls usually get away with murder, like Rebecca Gayheart and Brandi, who literally got away with murder.
  2. She's Australian. I forget whether it was my geography class or the Simpsons, but somewhere I learned that Australia was formed by convicts. Is it so out of the realm of possibility that she inherited some kind of theft gene from one of her ancestors? Well, I asked a scientician, and he said it is.
  3. It was just a cheap iPad case! Why would she risk her entire career over an iPad case? Especially when she probably doesn't even have an iPad because they're an inferior product, at least according to my asshole friends who made fun of me when I bought one.
Vince once again proved to me that my reasoning is meaningless, as he does every time I watch wrestling. Poor little twenty five year old Emma was canned, as were the hopes and dreams of sheep herders and kleptomaniacs all over her homeland.

But wait! Here comes an insane WWE swerve!

As I, and really all internet writers who think they're funnier than they actually are, ran for their computers to break the story, the WWE rehired the dancing diva. 

Seriously. Imagine being this poor young lady and thinking you threw away your entire future because of Wal Mart. Even though Wal Mart is the worldwide leader in destroying young lives, it seemed even crueler this time because of the circumstances. Emma was sort of getting over, and her skits with Santino Marella were...well edited. I might not be a big fan of her character, but she's definitely easy on the eyes and at least she gives off a fresh scent in an industry filled with stagnant air.

So kudos to you, Emma. I think you set the record for the quickest firing/hiring that WWE has ever done.

And on the other end of the spectrum you have poor Zack Ryder. 

Poor, poor Zack Ryder. 

Here is a guy that has been saddled with just the most awful angles you've ever seen, and he somehow made himself a bonafide star. His reward was a run with the US title, a program with John Cena and Eve, and a feud with Kane. All of which ended very poorly for him.

Despite that, this guy tries and tries to climb that corporate ladder when bigger stars took their ball and went home back to Chicago, where I hope they rot in a casket of mediocrity for the rest of their straight edge lives.

Well now PWInsider is reporting that Zack posted a Twitter message detailing how WWE are no longer selling his merchandise at live events. 

When I attended my last WWE show with my good friends Jordan and Logan, we all hit the merchandise tables hard and I decked myself out in Zack Ryder gear. I bought the WWWYKI headband, the glasses, and even the big ass statue of Liberty necklace. I did it because I respect Zack Ryder and I feel he deserves better, and this was all after his fall from grace and slip back into jobberdom. People were still cheering for him and buying his gear, despite WWE's best attempts to scrub his filthy name clean from their golden halls.

I will never understand why they hate Zack Ryder so much. He's a solid mid card guy and would draw them a ton of money. We've been over how Vince likes to piss away guaranteed money (see - Invasion angle, Matt Hardy, a plethora of current underutilized stars, etc etc), but each time he does something new and baffling I am still taken by surprise. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me a hundred times, and I'll still be watching each week because I'm a moron.

This is surely the sign that Zack will finally be future endeavored soon. I read on a few sites that the reason they keep him around is because his merchandise sells so well. If they're not selling his merchandise anymore, I can't see them keeping him around to even job him out, as they seem to be completely content just replaying the same three matches each week.

If this truly is the end for Zack, I'll always keep this picture close to my heart. It is a picture of the last time I had faith in the machine that is World Wrestling Entertainment.

May the dream live on forever.
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