Podzilla 1985

Friday, November 16, 2012

Why Fast Food BUGS Me

Har har, see what I did there?

So it's no secret that BZ85 is my love, but it doesn't exactly pay the bills...yet. My indentured servitude to a certain gaming site takes up a lot of my time, so it's hard to give BZ85 the attention it truly deserves. We have a collection of interesting people here with interesting things to talk about, and sometimes they actually post it on the website for all to read. It could be, nay should be, a cultural icon.

"See you on Black Friday, you fucking animals!"
And someday it shall, but for now we all have other jobs to pay those pesky bills that Uncle Bam tells me I have to pay, unless I want to spend a weekend with the pain monster.

My own personal hell is retail management, a plight I'm sure many of you can relate to. I won't say where I work, as the last time I talked about my job I got fired from it. Something about death threats to a company official or something, to be honest I was so drunk on my own power I can hardly recall the exact reasoning.

Well, like a lot of retail workers, I like to save me some cash whenever I can, especially with the holidays coming up. So on my break the other day I decided to go to McDonald's to get some cheap food that would satisfy that craving for torture. Little did I know, this trip would change my life forever.

Well, at least until I'm broke as shit and can't afford anything else.

McD's and I have always had a pretty good relationship. I used to love going there as a kid with my mom and getting my hands on that Happy Meal. The toys were usually pretty cheap, but I don't think anyone can say they weren't genuinely excited to get their hands on them. One of my favorite toys of all time, which I have sitting on the bookcase next to the official Blogzilla Computer (TM), is a Super Mario jumping toy from around the time Mario 3 came out.

Why, I still remember the excitement from seeing the commercials on TV for it. My memory is a little hazy....but it went exactly like this -


So sure, McDonald's is fast food, but it always seemed like a higher grade of fast food. Of course, that was when I was a naive little bastard. Everything seemed better back then. Have you tried watching cartoons from when you were growing up? You can get nostalgic all you want, but those shows were bad and you should feel bad. Don't feel bad though, I was right there with you preaching to kids about how their cartoons today suck compared to what I watched. Then I ran out and bought the entire collection of Super Mario, Captain N, Ninja Turtles, etc. etc. and after watching a few episodes starting gouging at my eyes with Hepatitis covered glass shards.

You can lump McDonald's in with that sensation. It was great as a kid, but as an adult it's just kind of a cheap alternative for when you don't have time to cook or you're trying to save cash. It can be tasty, but just like Pizza Hut it's more of an iconic thing than something you really want to eat. I used to love Pizza Hut with a passion, but there are so many better options out there now I don't know how they keep that roof over their heads.

Of course, I never had an INSECT CRAWL OUT OF THE CHEESE at Pizza Hut.

HOLY SHIT let me tell you what happened when I went to this goddamn McDonald's! 

I never order pickles. I don't hate them, my ex-girlfriend smelled of pickles quite often and it didn't bother me, I just hate them on my meals. I like tomatoes, but I throw up a little bit when I bite into a tomato that's on something else. So when I went into this McD's I ordered the new angus wrap, which I wasn't aware came with pickles. 

Well, let me back up for a second. I say I ordered it, but what I mean is I waited at the counter for five minutes while three of the workers and some guy just stood up there talking and laughing together. I'm not one to put down the youth of America, but can't fast food places find workers that aren't ripped out of the worst UPN comedy? I understand it's a shitty job, but have some damn pride in what you do or go somewhere the fuck else. I get so sick and tired of going into places with a positive attitude and polite demeanor only to be reminded of why I hate society when the slack jawed mongoloid behind the counter acts like they would rather be anywhere else but there and I absolutely agree with them. Even at the worst job I acted like I had a goddamn brain. The future looks bright, doesn't it?

So after one of the witches finally noticed me and I got my order, I remembered I forgot to ask for no pickles. I open the wrap a little and see pickles, and my mission becomes clear. I open it all the way to remove said pickles and I get the biggest surprise of my young life. There, before me and the grace of God, is a good sized black beetle just a wiggling and dancing around inside the ketchup and cheese.

Wanted - For Somehow Making McDonald's Food Worse
I'm not the kind of person that automatically goes "Icky!" when they see an insect. I'm actually quite fond of all life forms and I make it a point to protect them or rescue them whenever I can. But when I'm staring eye to thorax with one doing the Gangnam Style dance in my food, I get a little perturbed. I closed the wrap back up and calmly took it back up to the counter. The manager on duty asks me if there was something wrong with my order, and before I can explain my special guest the beetle crawls out of the wrap and says hi to everyone. The customers look disgusted, the manager looks terrified, and the girl at the register summons all of her eleventh grade education to let out a loud "EEEEEWWWWWW WHAT'S DAT."

The first thing the manager does is ask me if I wanted a refund. I appreciate him giving my money back, but did he really need to ask? And how funny would it have been if I politely said "No, it's just that I ordered extra beetles but I only got one."

Short story made long, I got my money back and the two plain McDoubles I ordered were on the house. I did thoroughly check them for any beetles, bugs, or otherwise living organisms that might have found there way into my meal.

I wonder if I should have taken it further. Was it an honest mistake? I like to believe so, as unfortunate things happen sometimes. However, I find it hard to believe that someone wouldn't notice a big ass wriggling beetle crawling around in the food they were making. Even if the average person who works here lacks basic intelligence and communication skills they would have seen this little fucker backstroking through my food. I'm of the personal belief that whoever made this saw the beetle in it and fixed it up anyway. They probably smiled to themselves when they sent it out, thinking they got a little revenge on a customer they blame for their minimum wage thankless job.

Well jackass, I'm not that customer. I'm polite, appreciative, and I don't treat workers like pieces of trash. I work retail, so I've seen the kind of customer that comes in and treats others like dogs. I would never behave that way because those people make me sick and they need to have the uppity beaten out of them. 

This whole incident reminds me of why you shouldn't eat fast food. Not only is it unhealthy, but you have to deal with the worst kind of people, the food is usually sub par, and the entire place is just filthy and no one gives enough of a shit to fix anything. I feel like it didn't always used to be this way. Maybe it's because the people change with the times, but the McDonald's in my memory was always a happy place with tasty burgers and cool toys. The people were always nice, and you weren't embarrassed to eat there. Now it seems like a crack house for fat people and a boarding house for the worst kind of jackasses. Even the food, which you think would be improved with time, feels cheaper and more disgusting than ever.

Shame on you, McDonald's. I'll take my money back to Taco Bell from now on. At least there the bugs are ground into the meat and you never even realize you're eating it.

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