Podzilla 1985

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

What's Happening Wednesday

Hey hey hey, it must be What's Happening Wednesday! Each day after Tuesday and before Thursday I like to take a look at some of the interesting stories going around and give you, the loyal reader, my keen observations about them.

And if we can't find anything good to write about, we'll just make it up.


So after a week long absence, W.H.W. is back with a vengeance. Of course, that vengeance is laid upon you, the reader, as I drop some opinions on some really strange stories this week. Maybe it's the Halloween season, or maybe society is just bracing itself for a possible Republican in office, but there has been a lot of odd news making the rounds these past few days.

From politics to the Bieb' to sluts, this weeks W.H.W. should have you wondering where exactly the world went wrong. We have two theories - it was either when they stopped making pudding pops, or when the antichrist Honey Boo Boo was born.

Honey Boo Boo Needs More Go Go Juice

Why not start off with America's favorite little train wreck?

While making the rounds for season two of "Here Comes Honey Boo Boo," a reality show so embarrassing it makes Tom Green blush (but not more relevant), seven year old Alana Thompson freaked out on TV's Dr. Drew.

I don't know why I'm covering this and Phil isn't. He covers "The Walking Dead" and I'm talking about Honey-fucking-Boo Boo? Looks like it's time for another BZ85 staff meeting. That's where Phil meets the official BZ85 staff, which we'll then use across his face.

Anyway.

Just add a few hundred pounds...
During the interview Honey B2 was very distracted and irritable, which we'll chalk up to the fact that she's seven years old and in the public eye more than Lindsay Lohan. Almost as drunk as Lindsay too, with the constant downing of the patented Go Go Juice. For those of you looking to jump start your own little ones career into star/whoredom, that's a mix of Red Bull and Mountain Dew.

That's right, the creature that Honey Boo Boo calls 'mother' forces Red Bull and soda down her daughters throat constantly. That's not child abuse folks - that is good parenting. Of course little bastard children need to somehow be made more hyper!

After pretending to fall asleep and basically being the rudest brat she could possibly be, Mama June practically begged her daughter to just get it over with so they could go back home and eat more cheese puffs off of the floor. When asked if she likes being on TV, little Boo Boo cried out "No!" and said she hates it when fans come up to her, to which her 'mother' expressed disbelief.

Examiner.com has the full story up here, and it's kind of sad in a "REALLY?" kind of way. 

I think this is less of a case of her being unappreciative and more that she's probably just sick of her own fifteen minutes of fame. This is a girl in desperate need of help. Look at all of the child stars that grew up to be completely fucked up, and they weren't half as weird and nasty as this kid! She's heading down a dark road far earlier than she could have by just being a beauty pageant contestant, which she loves to do by the way and isn't being forced to by a grotesque beast who is trying to live her dreams of being important through her spoiled little daughter.

I find this hard to write about. On one hand it's kind of comforting to know that this strange little creature has been taken down a notch. On the other, you hate to see a kid heading towards such a bad fate. My money is on TLC and her own mother exploiting her well into her teens, when the sex tapes finally come out. The good news is they won't have to change the name of show for the DVD release of the sex tape.

I kind of feel dirty after that one.

Deadline Passes on Signing Up for High School Sluts League

Speaking of dirty, there was a strange story that across my desk today from California. In a case of 'boys will be boys,' Peidmont High School in L.A. become home to the first fantasy slut league in the United States. Apparently athletes at the high school drafted a list of girls at the school and awarded points based on sexual contact with the girls, which despite having official rules and being documented probably won't be showing up on ESPN any time soon.

Maybe ESPN2.

According to this post credited to school principal Richard Kitchens the league seems to have existed for five or six years, which already makes it wildly more successful than the XFL.

The P stands for...oh, forget it.
If you're wondering how a league dedicated to high school kids having sex with each other could have existed for six years, you must live with your hand in the dirt, under a rock, with your hands covering your eyes going "BLAH BLAH BLAH" real loud whenever your child is curious about sex.

Now, before you get in a huff because these kids are touching each other, you'll be happy to know that the varsity teams promise that this kind of hanky panky is no longer going on.

And if you're upset because you missed out on the chance to be apart of history, don't worry. As soon as the reporters left the varsity team shared a laugh about how naive adults are when they don't actually want to know what's going on. They then went back to having sex with each other, and some even did it with hot teachers.

Score!

More Political Shenanigans - Obama Declares No More Bayonets, Romney Helps Destroy A Life

If you caught the debates recently you know the kind of mud slinging, eye gouging, and bottom feeding depths that these candidates will fall to for the sake of their political party. And also the nation, probably, if they have time.

Caption not found, picture too awesome as is.
One of the more surprisingly popular moments of the debate came when President Obama answered challenger Mitt Romney's question about having less Naval units than in the early 1900's with a line about the US having less horses and bayonets as well because the nation has changed.

Calvary riding on horseback defending this nation were shocked and outraged.

Apparently the military does still train with bayonets, so Obama may have been a bit off with his remark. Still, totally awesome burn on that elephant sonofabitch.

On the other hand, Romney has found his campaign in jeopardy. Again. Stop us if you've heard this one before!

Thanks to TMZ for bringing my attention this one.

So a couple of years ago, Mitt gave testimony during a nasty divorce between Romney's friend, the founder of Staples, and his wife. Honest Mitt testified that Staples' stock was practically worthless, and that he didn't "place a great deal of credibility in the forecast of the company's future."

Allegedly, this helped screw over the ex-wife, who ended up receiving very little in the settlement. Not long after, Mitt and Staples founder Tom Stemberg cashed in their stock and made a nice chunk of change from it. Even though this part is probably unrelated to Romney, it's worth noting what a major dick Stemberg is. His wife Maureen, who suffered bouts with cancer and MS, was informed that he was cutting off her health insurance, and then got custody of their one child after abuse allegations were made against her. He then sent the boy a letter saying that he loved him, but "it will not be possible for you to be a part of our family for the foreseeable future."

Maureen was alone, broke, and homeless.

She is now apart of that 47% of needy losers that Romney doesn't feel he needs to help or win over.

Haha, cancer is for poor people!
Justin Beiber Sued for Penis Enlargement, Rhianna Sued for lethal Barbados Herpes

We head back to TMZ for our final segment, and this might be my favorite one yet. We at BZ85 don't know the legal ramifications of impersonating others or filing false claims in court, but damn does it make for a good laugh.

Seen here possibly smoking drugs with P Diddy in a drug free school zone
According to documents filed in Michigan, a man who claims to be Selena Gomez's father has sued pop star Justin Beiber for using his stolen credit card. Now you might ask yourself, what would a rich mega star like Beiber use a stolen credit card for?

Penis enlargement, duh. And that's not even the best part of the suit! In the lawsuit, the man who probably isn't The Go's father claims that -

  • "Bieber has cost me $426.78 and never paid me back. This money was used as abortion money because Justin Bieber got my daughter Selena pregnant in my bedroom, on my canadian bear rug."
  • "Usher Raymond came to my house on the forth of july 2012 and sodomized me with a firework and lit it inside my anal area while blaring kate perry [sic] firework song in my ear drums."
  • "Bieber also got a penis enlargement with my stolen american express card."

The man says he is an emotional wreck because of what has happened, and demands that we boycott Justin's music. Well, there's at least one truthful thing out of this whole mess.
Meanwhile in Tennessee - Chris Brown, or at least someone claiming to be, has filed a lawsuit against former girlfriend Rhianna for a variety of offenses, including - 

According to a lawsuit, this is what banging Rhianna will get you.
  • "[Rihanna] gave me herpes and then when I threatened to file a lawsuit against her for not telling me she was infested with genital blisters she began to hit herself in the face and throw herself into walls just as Jim Carrey did in the movie 'Liar, Liar."
  • "I woke up with three blisters on my penis ... this isn't just a regular case of American herpes, this is a case of Herpes from Barbados, which is most likely lethal."

The man is suing for 10 million dollars and wants a restraining order put against Rhianna and her deadly T-Virus infected genitals. 
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