Podzilla 1985

Thursday, October 11, 2012

Rant Time - Beauty and the Beast

Watch out Chun Li! His eyes are a different color!
Have you seen the previews for this new Beauty and the Beast show on CW? Dear lord. This is in no way better than that shitty Beastly movie they did a few years ago with Vanessa Hudgens. It reminds me that there is ugly, and there is Hollywood ugly.

How scared can you be when this is the monster chasing you?

I'm not one of those guys who gets upset over remakes. I liked The Grudge, Let Me In, Star Trek and the like. I don't flip out because America redoes a foreign film, or when Hollywood redoes a film they just did a few years ago. Especially if it's better - thank you Amazing Spider Man.

But this is too much. So Beauty is now a sexy young cop, and the Beast is a sexy young doctor who has sexy secrets and the two fight sexy villains while working towards having the sexiest sex they'll ever sex.

STOP THE FUCKING MACHINE!



I'm all for trying something new! My own pet project is a retelling of the classic anime Sailor Moon, and I think it turned out damn nice because I respected the source material and the people who love it. But this new show is ridiculous! Watch the trailer and listen to your inner child that loved the Disney movie die a horrible death, and also start using drugs and listening to Justin Beiber.


So that's what makes our monster? A scar and some oddly colored eyes? No fur, no monstrous appearance, just your average super gorgeous brooding life saving doctor who gets strong and mean when he becomes THE BEAST. He's like a more handsome and laughably serious version of Mr. Furious from Mystery Men.

For a comparison, let us look at the two most famous versions of Beauty and the Beast.

The Disney Version....
...and the vastly superior version with Ron Pearlman
Everyone knows the animated version. This is the face that launched a thousand ships! Disney's version is a timeless classic, and one I'm sure Lindsey owns in four or five different formats. It had everything you could ever want in the legend, including Jerry Orbach.

Then there is the short lived but much beloved live action television series from the 80's starring Linda Hamilton and Hellboy himself, Ron Pearlman. Both shows have their similarities and differences, but they both have one thing in common -

              THE BEAST IS A FUCKING BEAST

I was waiting for someone to come along ditch that "timeless" story about a monster and the beautiful woman who loved him despite of his monstrosity.  That ain't ballin'.

Thank you, CW. I'm much more interested to see how Kristen Kreuk sees past this new Beasts small scar and yellow eyes, and somehow finds his rock hard abs and smoldering good looks.
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